Cherie Reich won the Crusaders' first challenge and a critique of her query letter from me. Feel free to add to my critique, agree with it, or disagree. Reading is subjective and, to a certain extent, so is editing. Here is her original query and below it, the edited version.
Please click on the link to see a larger view.
CherieReich Virtuoso Query
Here is the edited version:
Cherie Reich - Query Crit 1 of Virtuoso
Thanks to all who've volunteered to share their work on my blog. I'm a certified copyeditor and proofreader. If anyone is interested in having their query, synopsis, and/or manuscript edited, I can help. I'm also a writing coach, so I can teach you how to edit your own manuscript. One way to make query writing easier is to have a clear understanding of your main character(s)'s GMCs (goals, motivations, conflicts). If you're struggling with GMCs, I have a one-on-one class for you. I teach the GMC course at your pace and help you discover the GMCs for your book. Contact me for more information or visit my site.
Lynnette Labelle
http://www.labelleseditorialservices.com/
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Thank you so much, Lynnette, for critiquing my query letter. I appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteHi Cherie and Lynnette ~ :) Thanks for sharing the query and the critique of it. Sounds like a fascinating story! My initial response as I read it, starting out, I was thinking this was contemporary YA. Then the telekinetic powers come in. And then undead Marcus. My mind went straight to "zombie" for some reason.
ReplyDeleteMy humble suggestion would be to establish more quickly that this is paranormal. I agree with Lynnette that the start seems like back story. Maybe cut that and get right into what happens after the accident?
Love the concept ~ best of luck with this!
Great advice, Lynette! Cherie is my CP, so it's neat to read what someone else comes up with.
ReplyDeleteThis is one awesome book, and it needs an awesome query to get some agent attention.
Thanks for sharing the critiques. I learned a lot.
ReplyDeleteI also thought this was a conemporary book so re-read the part about the healed fingers/telekinetic powers several times. It also seemed like she was more upset about herself than the dead boyfriend. Maybe Marcus should've been someone more distantly removed (not that that mitigates being dead but does soften the close emotional impact.
I'm pretty sure Ms doesn't have a comma after it.
That was useful not just for Cherie but for us as well! Lynette sure has a knack for spotting things. I agree with pretty much everything she said about the unnecessary backstory, and a stronger first line. Does sound like an interesting story!
ReplyDeleteCherie - sounds like a terrific story! Love the use of tempo in the query :)
ReplyDeleteGreat critique too Lynette :)
Such a helpful critique. The story sounded intriguing in the first letter but much more so in the second. So helpful to have a second pair of professional eyes.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad others are able to get something out of these critiques. For some reason, I'm having technical difficulties this time around. At the moment, it says, "You are not allowed to view this document." Yet, the past couple of days, there wasn't a problem. Plus, if you click on the link, it works. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteLynnette Labelle
I got a virus when I clicked on the link yesterday, so maybe they're working on cleaning that up.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. Thanks for letting me know, Deb. I've never heard of that site having problems.
ReplyDeleteLynnette Labelle