Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Donna Hole's Query Revision and Critique

Recently, I posted Donna Hole's critiqued query letter.  She has since revised it and I've critiqued it again.  Here are both versions, so you can see the difference between them.  I'll post the old version first.

Below is my detailed critique. Please select FULL SCREEN to view, then once the document is open RIGHT CLICK to ZOOM and view the comments.

Donna Hole's Query 1

Here's Donna's newest version of her query letter:

Donna Hole's Query 2

Thanks again for volunteering, Donna.  The next winner of the query contest will have his/her query critiqued a week from today.  Watch for it.

What did you think of Donna's revisions?  Any suggestions on how she can further improve her query?


  1. The only thing I was going to bring up is that Amy's "choice" in the last paragraph doesn't seem like much of a choice. It seems like a no-brainer. She has to decide between leaving the abusive man or marrying him...umm, leave him. Obviously, in the story, Donna has probably set up the conflict such that Amy feels a pull both directions, that she truly loves Robert and wants to help him but isn't sure how.

    But the last thing you want is for an agent to read the query and be able to answer the quandary posed at the end without batting an eyelash.

  2. A good point Karen. Thanks for the feedback.

    Thank you Lynette. I know I need to trim and you have given me some excellent advice in where to begin.

    Ugh; that voice thing again. Somehow it sounds different in my head. Still. I do like your suggestion and I see how I fix this.
    Thank you so much for all your assistance.


  3. That's a tricky one. It's hard to say how an agent would view the "choice" she has to make. Realistically, a woman with her past would be drawn to another abuser, especially if he's charming like Robert. Then, to add to her confusion, she has the church and family members backing HIM. It's enough to make anyone think twice about their tempatation to flee and wonder why they aren't giving this nice guy a chance to change. Again, if you had more of her voice in the blurb, that might help show the reader where she's coming from.

    Lynnette Labelle

  4. Yes Lynette; that's it totally.

    The pressure she feels from friends, his family, church, and her own desires to see it all work out is what the story is really about. Her journey getting there.

    And I'm getting there too. I'll let all this simmer a short while and hopefully my next revision will be the one.

    *crosses fingers*